There is NOTHING you can ever do to me that hasn’t already been done.

In the old times, the only accepted circumstances for a woman to have sex was through force or coercion.
I wonder if modern society has moved forward at all or rather backward.
People who abused me as a child or sexually assaulted me as an adult are still celebrated as respected members of society, while I get called a whore by friends and strangers for daring to want to have sex with and only with people I am attracted to.
The liberation for modern women is to be expected to hold a job while still being feminine and fulfilling a woman’s ultimate duty that is being a mother. As a childless woman, I’m considered “defective” and scorned for daring to refuse to fulfill “my only purpose”. I’m still held to the same standard as the “virgin mother Mary”, the symbol of the highest achievement a woman can ever reach in her whole life.
And to you who scorn me, judge me, and slut-shame me without really knowing me, I tell you that do your worst. I was called a whore when I was a virgin. I was called a whore when I was a little child abused for years by those who were supposed to protect me when the rest of the people looked the other way and let it happen. I was called a whore by men I refused to have sex with. I was called a whore by hundreds of people, especially women, who I never met or know their names.
So go ahead, do your worst, for there is NOTHING you can ever do to me that hasn’t already been done. You can’t break me. You can’t silence me. You can’t kill me. I have been shattered and burnt at the stake. I have died a dozen times. And I rose again from the ashes, invincible. I’m not afraid of you or what you call me from the shadows behind my back.
I’m not afraid of your judgmental looks and your derision. Go ahead, tire yourself out. And maybe your attempt to bring me down would make you feel better about yourself, less small and less miserable. I happily give you that. I don’t need you or your respect.
I’ve made it so far all on my own, despite of you. I’m going to outlive your hate and contempt. You can NEVER bring me down. No power can ever bring me down.
Shida Katz

Damsel by Elana K. Arnold, a book review

 

Damsel by Elana K. Arnold
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The ultimate MUST READ
This fantastic work of literature is an absolute gem. Sadly, very underrated by the narrow-minded on whom the books metaphorical narrative and symbolism is totally lost & those who are put off by its feministic message. This novel is ultimately about gaslighting. Many people (not just women) could find themselves in the situation of this Damsel & with a bit of brain power, one can clearly understand how kings, dragons, castles, and so on can easily translate to our modern & mundane lives. People silently suffer decades of abuse and manipulation so well-crafted that it takes too long for the victim to realize what is happening to them & do something about it before every bit of their self-confidence & self-worth is carved away until they might no longer recognize themselves.

I highly recommend this book to every adult.
That being said, please be aware of several trigger topics, especially sexual assault/abuse. This isn't a book for children or anyone who could be triggered by such topics.

Narrative:
It starts from the golden hero prince's perspective, intentionally akin to classical legends & fairytales. But it wonderfully switches to the Damsel's perspective [as somewhat unreliable narrator due to her amnesia and loss of all memories from the time before her rescue].

In terms of prose:
Every line is precious & beautiful. This book reads like the gorgeous work of literature that it is.

Pacing:
It's quite good. In fact, I was getting anxious at the end when the story had me figuratively at the edge of my seat & only few pages were remaining. I was keeping hard from biting my nails! But fortunately, the ending is complete, no cliffhangers as this is a standalone book.

Negative aspects:
My only qualm is the way the book keeps referring to the prince's/king's genitalilla as his "yard", which is too humoristic for some of the very serious scenes, including one involving sexual assault/abuse.

View all my reviews

Shadow & Bone Season 2: A Quick Review

 After a too long wait, the second & last season is here.

 

Shadow & Bone Season 2: A Quick Review

Pros:

• The visual effects are gorgeous, better quality than the first one by far.
• The cast are magnificent & the act the hell out of every scene.
• Ben is not only more dashing with the scars, he finally succeeded in inserting all the Darkling's best lines into the show.
• No more insufferable Mal toxic masculinity and slut-shaming scenes.
• No more miscommunication trope as a plot device.
  

Cons:  

• The screenplay appears as if someone who has never read any of the books threw every Grishaverse Fandom (https://thegrishaverse.fandom.com) pages into a blender, then poured the over-smoothed dough into 8 molds to bake a version of the stories.
• Every single character is a much much better person than the original version in the books. One might think this a positive trait, yet the results lack the "edge of one's seat" level of interpersonal friction and irremediable conflicts, making the stakes rather artificial.
  

A response to a Twitter writing prompt

A response to a Twitter writing prompt "What happened? What is about to happen? To/by whom?" featuring Neuschwanstein Castle.

Knowing the awful truth behind the notorious castle, I had to respond with the following:

"OMG!" squealed the tourists in unison, cameras flashing. "It's the Disney Castle!" 

The guide pinched the bridge of her nose. No. This is the epitome of a narcissist's arrogance, an imposter, a fallacy, a cheap imitation of grandeur. She sighed. "Well, yes, after a fashion."

 

 

Venting the stress of querying by dissing shows I watched:

 Every traditionally published author or anyone aspiring to traditionally publish their fiction novel will tell you that querying is hard, often heartless, and increasingly frustrating. So, as a "cardio exercise" that can be done from the comforting embrace of the couch, I decided to vent by dissing the shows I watched and even enjoyed a lot in a quick fire round. I hope you enjoy reading them. 

Warning, the following contains major spoiler for each show mentioned. 

•  9-1-1: Lone Star: It's one thing to make Liv Tyler disappear with nothing more than a vapid explanations, but what did happen to the Capt. Strand's girlfriend? Doesn't she even merit a lousy explanation?
• Breaking Bad: Saving one's racist, sexist, lousy brother-in-law is too lame an excuse for poising a child, even for a meth kingpin. Also, I loved Gus and Mike & wished they had killed Walt before he had a chance to ruin such a solid operation. Compared to my last boss, Gus is an angel.
  
• Better Call Saul: What is it with American shows' urge to stifle all the fun of watching lovable villains and antiheroes, by forcing a didactic ending. This is a show for adults and we live in a world where real villains *coughs, and you swear it sounds like Bezos, Musk, and Trump* always win.
• Leftovers: I absolutely love this show and it rules. But why spending three seasons on hyping this mysterious event that turned the lives of everyone on the entire planet upside down, only to have one of the protagonist just casually mention the secret behind this earth shattering phenomenon over a cup of tea they drank at the kitchen table in the very last episode.
• Peaky Blinders: Season 6 managed to become The God Father 3 of the show, didn't it? At least this way I don't mind if there's not going to be any sequels.
• Lucifer: They gave us all closure by making the last season so needlessly silly that no one would mind the show ending. I respect that.
• Godfather of Harlem: What Disney witch has cursed poor Stella? In the last episode of the second season I only cared about two things, one got shot in the head and the other went up in flames (though could have been easily avoided). Way to torture fans!
• This Is Us: I thought we were over feeling sorry for the American soldiers who invaded the poor Vietnamese fisher villages.

[I'm going to add more, later.]

Meaning Well: Therapy and Other Torments.

 There's a saying in German "Das Gegenteil von Gut ist nicht Böse sondern gut gemeint" (apparently attributed to either Kurt Tucholsky or Karl Kraus) which roughly translates to "the opposite of good isn't evil but well meant."

I never fully believed in that saying until I went through therapy. There are many discussions about whether the stigma surrounding mental health and seeking therapy is directly contributing to anything from violence and aggression to toxic masculinity and hate speech. It could very well be the case. But one thing that I believe is the most harmful side of therapy and psychiatric care in our modern world is that we are largely still sticking to silencing and suppressing the victims and survivors instead of educating and treating the aggressors.

There's no surprise that the majority of patients in therapy, especially those under psychiatric medication, are the survivors and victims, e.g., women, those identifying as LGBTQIA+, and those with a history of suffering abuse.

So, why is this an issue that we mostly only treat the survivors? I am not claiming that therapy and psycho-pharma does not help. Modern medicine has saved a lot of lives. Though it stands on the foundation of the psychiatric medicine of the past few centuries that perhaps destroyed more lives than it could have possibly helped. I am not going into the horrific practices by the so-called fathers of this branch of medicine. [I am pointing at you Sigmund Freud.] I only wish to focus on the main reason modern mental healthcare is flawed.

Leaving aside limited access, long waiting time, lack of proper training of the medical professionals, social and cultural stigma, heavy costs and lack of insurance coverage, and so on, there's the core philosophy behind therapy that is the greatest issue.

Even people who have never been inside a therapist's office know that the underlying idea in therapy is reaching deep inside the patient's mind, unearthing the unconscious causes and long buried trauma, and working on "fixing" the patient. I am not against working on ways to better handle situations and cope with what one cannot change. But the notion that the key to fixing a patient's problem is in fixing the patient's mind and behavior (response to triggers) is inherently flawed.

Take the case of a woman who is plagued by childhood trauma of abuse and currently facing sexual abuse, even assault at the workplace. [I know I'm hitting a little too close to home in this example.] I hope that a great or even good enough therapist would care to place more effort in empowering the patient and guiding them regarding ways to protect themselves. Unfortunately, often the well-meaning therapist ends up focusing too much on "fixing" the patient and seeking to make them "toughen up" or face their old trauma wounds head on, without once mentioning that what the patient is currently experiencing is wrong, isn't their fault, and has to stop immediately by either alerting the authorities or at least seeking legal help.

In my case, long after I gave up on mine, I eventually spoke to a lawyer who informed me that unfortunately I have no legal options because I should have filed a formal report/complaint within 2 months from the incident. I had been too busy trying to "fix my issues" at that point to even consider that I might be entitled to protection or more. 

So, the next time you are seeking advice, therapy, or help of any kind, remember that a well-meaning person (even a friend) could end up doing more damage than you could possibly foresee.

Once again, my goal in sharing all these intimate thoughts and information is solely to help anyone who might be facing similar issues. If this whole blog serves to help even a single person, I would consider myself blessed, and it would have all been worth it.

Take a very good care of yourself and practice self-love as much as humanly possible.

How I researched agents to query for my high fantasy novel.

 As I am currently in what is known as "query trenches", I decided to document my research into the arcane world of literary agents in the hope that others who also walk this road (or fight in those trenches) could benefit from my experience. Before delving deeper into this occult ritual, I must warn you that the following contains detailed descriptions of what can only be described as "tedious dullness", which I tried to soften a bit using sarcasm and dark humor (no promises on the quality of that said humor).

Note: As a Computer Scientist, I feel the urge to put the word "research" in quotes since I am used to it meaning something rather different in the science and tech (STEM) world. Usually, when we scientists say research, we mean that we have exhausted the existing literature and the stack of hundreds of recently published articles in well-reputed scientific venues in search of the state-of-art methods and findings. We have hypothesized and brainstormed algorithms, methods, and solutions to the burning problems in our fields, then designed experiments and datasets to comprehensively and objectively test those methods to death. And finally, we publish our findings in a way that makes us look good.

Unlike most high fantasy authors, I practice conciseness in abundance! So without further ado, here's my process.

I use QueryTracker to not only search agents but also document my findings as well as rating them in terms of priority. The priority feature is only available on premium membership, but it costs 25$ a year which even for an unpublished poor author like yours truly constitutes a good investment. Despite a few shortcomings, this website is a real lifesaver for anyone trying to get traditionally published. And the best thing is that the creator of this amazing tool has announced a major update with new and improved features to come in April. There are, of course, already many great features, including: successful queries to each agent and the wealth of comments from fellow users who post their experience of querying each agent. 

To search agents who would be a match for my genre and story, I have combined the following two approaches:

Approach I  

This is a brute-force method that literally goes from A to Z on the names of literary agencies in a process that could feel as fun as preparing for a Colonoscopy. The QueryTracker search currently lists 1728 agents from which the ones who claim to represent some form of fantasy genre are limited to a small fraction. So, the first step is to select the "Fantasy" genre from the drop-down-list on the right (available in both free and premium memberships). This already narrows the search to the maximum of 356 agents (at the present time).

The list is sorted by the name of each agency in alphabetical order. I have begun from the very first agent on the list to the very last. In each case, I have done the following:

1. Right-clicked on the name of the agent to open the info in a new tab inside my browser. There are many useful categories of info here, most of which are to be used when one is actually considering querying that agent.
2. The first step is to check the agent's page on the agency's website. This could because very tedious especially since some agencies tend to use annoyingly fun way to separate themselves from the others in that they hide their list of agents and their wishlists deep inside the many layers of their website. This will likely make you appreciate those agencies with the sense to organize their pages in the most effective way. My favorite agencies and majority of those I query fall into the latter.
   
3. Since I'm limiting my search to only agents who represent high fantasy, I particularly need to look for any red flags in that regard (e.g., agents state that they only represent Urban or Light fantasy or explicitly mention that they do not represent high fantasy). Unfortunately, too often the agency pages don't include much into about each agent's wishlist. My favorite is usually the ManuscriptWishlist, which many good agents already link in their page. QueryTracker also has a handy link per agent to this website. Alas, not all agents use it. A possible, though less effective, source is the Publisher's Marketplace, which not always available (for free). QueryTracker further includes other resources like Twitter and co.
4. As soon as I find that an agent explicitly mentions "fantasy" somewhere, I check the box on the right of their info on QueryTracker that says:  Add this agent to my... Query List. Likewise, any red flags, particularly anything in the effect of that the agent only represents Urban, Grounded, or Light fantasy as well as the explicit mention that they do not represent high fantasy gets me to immediately check the Do-Not-Query List
5. There is a very handy feature that below the Query List choice, one can add a little note (of a rather limited length, which I have found out the hard way). There I add the best links for the agent info (my priority is their MSWhistlist). I also copy important info about both "how they wish to be queries" (including their preferred choice of title) to anything that they particularly like/dislike, as well as any "content warnings" they wish to get.
6. If I know that they represent a well-reputed client, I add that to the top of my notes.
7. I assign a priority value (premium feature) that goes from 1-being my dream agent to 8-those who say they represent fantasy, but I hardly can find more information about them. The level of detail and enthusiasm about their choice within the genre fantasy further plays an important role on how I rate them in my list. I've chosen two of the priority values for agents who I know represent reputable authors: one for those with top clients and another for those with okay clients.
8. That's it for now. I keep going from A to Z until I have exhausted the list.
   
    

Approach II

Since the first approach is as fun as preparing for a colonoscopy, I compliment it with the second approach which is as fun as sitting through an eye surgery. I use two sets of list. The first is the chronological list of fantasy novels and novellas winners in Locus, Hugo, and World fantasy awards (I don't go to short stories because they often don't require agents for publication and the authors might not ever get one). The second is the Goodreads Choice Awards, mainly for best fantasy, but I also check all the YA Sci-Fi and Fantasy as well as the Debut Novels (with covers that scream they are in the fantasy genre). Fortunately, Goodreads has both their own and the Locus, Hugo, and World Fantasy Awards lists handy on their website.

On each list, I start from the current year [2023 isn't out yet so only 2022 and older] and go back as far as 2011. But usually most books older than 2014 already tend to not be as helpful [since usually the person is either already very famous and accomplished or they were one hit wonder...or worse]. 

What might seem rather counter intuitive is that my focus is NOT on finding the best authors, but the best agents. If an author is already a celebrity [be it a TikTok sensation], has made a good career already in self-publishing, or such, then the agent might not be as effective working with a newcomer like yours truly. On the other hand, if the author or their books tend to be on the lower quality side, but has gained a lot of momentum through well-placed marketing, especially being featured in well-reputed book-club lists, as well as being published by leaders in the fantasy genre such as Tor books, then it is a good indication that the agent might be a real achiever. I, of course, want to work with an agent who shares my taste for evocative and beautiful prose as well as good plots and well-developed characters. And it is essential to find someone who can elevate the work. But it is essential that the agent is great at their primary function: getting the best deal for their clients, even if they leave all the editing and such to the editors at the publishing houses.

 

That being said, I have my reservations about working with those who might not share the same enthusiasm about high fantasy as I do. Moreover, it is essential that the agent is a good and professional person (no racism, sexism, bullying, etc.) and can form a passion for my novel and protagonists.

My Computer Scientist brain has formed the following steps to research the lists for authors.

1. For every list and every year check every eligible book.
2. Click on the author's name (all using Goodreads).
3. Check their website for the name of their literary agent. Some authors blessedly provide this in their twitter profile. Others usually write it in the contact section of their website (sometimes in the about section). In some case, the information is either buried very deep or isn't there at all.
4. In case the agent's name isn't anywhere to be found, QueryTracker's handy but hard to search list can be used: https://querytracker.net/clients.php [Beware that in many cases the client/author isn't there and in some case, the info isn't correct.]
5. Add the list of these authors to the little note on each agent in QueryTracker (one often need to search the agent by their name or the name of their agency). I usually use the format:  Rep. AuthorName (BookName, AwardName Year, AwardName Year...) with each author in a separate line. All of this goes at the top of the notes.
6. Unfortunately the list for YA novels could be disappointing in that despite the books' rather mature nature, the agent who represents them might only accept "Children's" books. Some agencies are even only devoted to Children's Literature despite these YA books featuring hardcore topics and grim covers.

That's pretty much it! Happy hunting... or haunting in case you don't make it [I'm joking]. Some agents are really into ghost stories. Perhaps they'll like it. Jokes aside, this is a hard and tedious process. Don't lose hope, respect the agents, do your best, keep your hopes up, and don't quit.